In a match that mercifully featured a negligible amount of crotch sniffing and leg humping (although this reporter can’t account for what happened at afters), the Black Dogs of Paddy’s Legal Beagle were let off the leash in an attempt to chase the Wreckers of Team Renner’s back to the loss column for the second time this year.
In the earlier meeting between the clubs, Team Snoopy bared their teeth and mauled the hapless Wreckers in a lopsided affair that sent Renner’s back to the garage with more damage than any reasonable person could expect a freaking Beagle to inflict on, well, pretty much anything. Heading into the second match, the odds still seemed to be in Paddy’s favor: Renner’s hadn’t won a game since the Nixon presidency, and was without any available subs for the hundredth week in a row. Paddy’s played without stray pack leader Andy Hazel, but still fielded veteran hurlers such as Charles Anderson, Chris Ludlow, David Littlejohn, and Brian Mathes, along with a litter of canine counterparts intent on turning the Wreckers into their personal fire hydrants for the second time this season.
Motivated by the knowledge that if they had to listen to that f’ing howling after every score they’d f’ing lose it, Team Renner’s took to the field determined to muzzle the mutts and cruise back to the win column. Behind a staunch defense - featuring plus-sized fullback Sean McGill, burly hurler Buck Shomo, raging lunatic Brian Scott, and blocksmith Dave Maish – Renner’s repelled repeated attempts to breach the goal. They employed what can best be described as a bruising defensive style, which was ultimately superior to the Beagles’ doggy style offense. Outstanding play from Zak Kitchell in goal was also key factor to the outcome of the match. When asked for comment on the play of their fill-in goalie, Renner’s captain Phil Broflovski keenly noted that Kitchell is “pretty tall and stuff.”*
As usual, Tim Boyll dazzled the crowd and dizzied the opposition with his usual flair for finding goals and points. Mike Jamieson scored like a quarterback on prom night, and Katie Edwards added to her league-leading streak of consecutive games spent sitting around with a big plastic boot on one foot. Teddy Hucks and Jonathan Tobin plowed through Paddy’s defense with reckless abandon. Steady hand Irene Lewis helped control the action on offense for Renner’s, and the Wreckers ultimately rumbled to their 4th win.
With no stats to rely on for more accurate reporting, let’s just say the final score was somewhere in the neighborhood of Renner’s 6-7 to Paddy’s 4-7. Regardless, the Black Dogs left the field with their tail between their legs, hoping to sniff out another victory before the end of the regular season. Their only consolation would be the knowledge that Renner’s would quite likely get their heads kicked in against Good Earth in their next match…which is precisely what happened.
Up next for both teams are the playoffs, which begin July 9th at Riverside Park.
*Quote completely fabricated, but Zak Kitchell is actually tall. And stuff.